Textile-based sensors have emerged as a promising technology for enabling low-burden, personalized, and on-body biometrics. However, current textile sensors often lack multimodal or multipositional sensing capabilities, are challenging to fabricate at scale, and are not seamlessly integrated into textile-borne readout systems. We report textile-integrated, laser-induced graphene (LIG) sensors for multiparametric biometrics monitoring. The LIG sensors are designed with custom patterns specific to different stimuli─strain, humidity, and temperature demonstrated herein─and exhibit tunable sensitivity through control of the pattern geometry and the laser power used during LIG conversion. These sensors are highly sensitive to changes in resistance, rapidly respond to stimuli (<5 s), and exhibit remarkable stability for at least 1000 cycles. Lastly, such sensors are synthesized alongside magnetic metamaterials and are seamlessly coupled with flexible near-field communication systems directly on textile. This enables fully integrated "smart" clothing capable of battery-free, wireless monitoring of cross-body metrics. Such protocols represent a straightforward, accessible strategy for directly incorporating multiple sensor and network elements into on-demand textiles for advanced human body measurements.